Living with a partner who seems to blame you whenever something goes wrong can gradually turn everyday disagreements into a cycle of accusation, defensiveness and resentment. Occasional disagreement is normal in a relationship, but repeated personal criticism and blame can make constructive communication increasingly difficult.
Relationship research has long distinguished between raising a complaint about a specific problem and attacking a partner's character. The latter can become a destructive communication pattern. Research associated with psychologist John Gottman identifies criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling as particularly damaging patterns in couple conflict. The American Psychological Association likewise notes that destructive behaviors such as personal criticism, yelling and withdrawing during arguments are associated with poorer relationship outcomes.
That does not mean every complaint from a partner should be dismissed. A partner may have legitimate concerns about something you did, and a healthy relationship requires both people to acknowledge their own mistakes. The problem begins when responsibility becomes one-sided—when one person is routinely portrayed as the cause of nearly every disagreement, disappointment or emotional reaction.
The first step is to separate responsibility from blame. If you made a mistake, acknowledge it without making excuses. But if the issue was outside your control, you do not have to accept responsibility simply to end an argument. Taking responsibility for your own behavior and refusing responsibility for someone else's behavior can coexist.
It can also help to change the way difficult conversations begin. Instead of responding to a sweeping accusation such as "You always ruin everything," bring the discussion back to the specific incident. Ask what happened, what your partner believes you did wrong and what outcome they want. Focusing on a particular behavior gives both people something concrete to discuss rather than turning the argument into a judgment about someone's entire personality.
